At first glance this question can seem rather vague and futile...maybe a "smarter than thou" type of question, intended to send your brain into a merry-go-round of thought with no real benefit to gain. This couldn't be more far from the truth, but still as this question rolled over and over in my head, I was led to ask myself another question, "How can knowing myself deeper give me a better understanding of God and better yet, how can that better understanding give me a better relationship with Him?". We want to "deny ourselves" and "rid ourselves of the flesh" that binds us to sin, right? So, wouldn't simply knowing Him more, automatically cause us to do those things? I don't need to know me, I only need to know Him.
Well, in order to deny ourselves, we must first know ourselves; and to rid ourselves of of the flesh, we must first have a knowledge of the flesh. I used to think, "Boy, if I would just read more scripture and pray more, I would get into a better relationship with God and all of these hardships would be easier to deal with." I'm certainly not saying that those things aren't very important to our relationship with God, but I'm just saying that it's like putting the cart before the horse in a sense. No matter how much scripture I read and how much I prayed, I still did not feel my relationship with God growing that much. It's always good to refresh what I've learned, but I wanted more...much more. I wanted that, 'when you were a child hearing "bible stories" for the first time, kind of growth'. God certainly speaks to us through the Church, scripture, and through prayer and we definitely need to continue to fertilize the crops that have been planted for years, but we also need to continue to plant new crops as well...that's what growth is, expansion of your being; of your mind, body, and soul. Problem is that I'm not always able to hear, and if I can't hear, I gain nothing.
We're an interesting species, all made as one being composed of mind, body, and soul; yet we are all so different in our own right. We all have individuality, but are called to be unified with each other. Paul tells us that we are to be "slaves to one another" (Gal. 5:13). This slavery is really our true freedom because this service to others not only brings us together, but also brings us into a closer relationship with God. Jesus prays specifically for His apostles, that they may be one as He and the Father are one (John 17:11). That entire chapter in John is so amazing and truly shows us the human care and concern Jesus had for His apostles..."I pray for them. I pray not for the world, but for them whom thou hast given me..." (John 17:9). While Jesus prays for the apostles specifically and prays that they would be unified, He also knows of the individuality of each apostle. Each apostle, chosen by God and given to Christ, had his own weakness and failures...Peter denies Christ, Judas betrays Christ, and Thomas doubts Christ. I find myself following in these same sinful footsteps at times. We all have our own individual vices and we all need to be dealt with in a different fashion so-to-speak. Me knowing me better, gives me some insight into the way the Holy Spirit speaks to me when I'm reading scripture or praying or talking to someone at work. It allows the growth to start because now I'm hearing the Holy Spirit throughout my day. When I want to better my relationship with someone, I have to spend time with that someone.
I used to have a big problem when I read scripture, and I've spoken with others that have had or have the same problem. It's sometimes hard to find direction in bible study when studying alone...where do I go in the bible and what is God trying to speak to me...where do I begin and what do I take with me when I'm done? I would like to say it's always easy to hear the Holy Spirit, but I haven't found too many people who can say that it is. My weaknesses, fears, desires, and personality traits play a part in all aspects of my life; meaning that even though the Holy Spirit gives life to the scriptures, my humanity is still there. It's so easy to allow those things to get in the way of what is truly divine and holy from scripture. I'm left asking, "Am I seeing through the eyes of God or is my vision clouded by my own perspectives, fear, desires, etc.?" This doesn't mean that the Holy Spirit isn't at work, it means that the Holy Spirit has to work within my weaknesses, fears, and desires; because this human nature is a part of who we are. This is where the writings of the Church fathers really come into play. The more I "hang out" with the Holy Spirit throughout my day, the more I learn about the grace in my life through my shortcomings and the easier my study becomes. I can now, not only hear the Holy Spirit better when I'm praying and reading scripture, but the Holy Spirit also brings forth much understanding of myself in the numerous writings of the Church fathers as well...there is 2000 years of great teaching and we should want to dive into all of it because it continues growth in our minds, bodies, and souls and growth in our relationship to God.
We, as Christians, have more Church history and more avenues to further our relationship with God than one could possibly retain. Some of these same men who were "good enough" to have helped in compiling our bible should be "good enough" to read as well. As I deal with my shortcomings daily; read of the shortcomings in the lives of the saints and how they overcame them; read the teachings that have been handed down and been proven by those saints; study the scriptures with not only great faith, but also with a carnal understanding of the time and culture as well; pray for others throughout my day; carry out small acts of service; and take the time to just quietly adore Christ I notice that it becomes easier to hear the Holy Spirit. I notice that everything else falls into place.
Gaining a better relationship with God requires me to actually spend time with God. It's hard to spend time doing these things, but it's necessary because I just don't grow by sitting down and reading a few scripture verses and saying a few prayers; just as a 12 year old doesn't grow by constantly reading books for toddlers. When we were studying something in school, we learned about that particular subject each and everyday and then spent time outside of that class studying the same subject, and then we took tests to judge our growth. Why is my faith and my relationship with God any less important...better yet, shouldn't it be more. I am constantly reminded of the story in Luke when, after His ressurection, Christ opened up the scriptures to Emmaus and Cleophas and really gave them the scriptural teaching of their life I would imagine...but when did they "know" Him? "...how they knew Him in the breaking of the bread...", the Eucharist. A meal with Christ, of Christ. (Luke 24:13-35) These scriptures weren't something new and these men had heard those scriptures many times before (I'm sure this burning in their hearts was a new thing), but after spending time with Jesus, walking with Him, and then coming into full communion with Him, they knew Him.
God wants of me a change of heart, to find strength in Him and the many gifts He has given to me, to trust in Him when fears are taking over, to desire Him and what is of Him, to spend time with Him throughout the day, to use the Church as Peter and Paul taught us, as the pillar and foundation of truth, to come to His table and enter into full communion with Him...these things lead me to a closer relationship with God each and everyday. We were created to love, serve, and know God and this is a good way to get to know Him...by facing our weakness and fear head on. This opens our hearts and preps us for change and allows the Holy Spirit to speak to me more clearly in my daily life; we are more aware of the grace of God in our success and it then becomes easier to hear. I often focus on the things in my life that I have no control over, all the while neglecting the things in my life that I know can be changed. To know myself is to know my shortcomings, and the consciousness of those shortcomings causes me to hear the Holy Spirit and see just how great God's grace truly is, even in the midst of them.
Thanks for reading and I hope others get as much from reading this as I did in writing it. I ask that you pray for me as I pray for you.
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